Tuesday, December 18, 2012

Probably not one you'll want to delve into.

You know, I take it for granted that no one I know but a teensy tiny handful will ever read this blog. I often wanna just pour my heart out, let all the frustrations, disappointments, hurt and all the names included just come spillin forth...... I stop because I get a little nudge, a little whisper about discretion. I take heed, I know that once words are spoken they are there forever. They may be forgiven but they have the power to stay audible in a person's heart for all time.  I know I have a "right" to free speech, a right to say whatever I want cuz after all, this is my own little space here. But not all things that are lawful are profitable for a man. That's scripture and I take it to heart.
 But I'm just gonna bite that ol bullet today. My hands are just gonna tap it out like a slow bleed........
Last night I got a pretty nasty message from my biological dad on facebook. We haven't talked in several months since I lived here and that's been okay with me. I was drawing back from him before we moved because honestly, he is a "closet" racist. And that just sours me up big time. It's gotten to a point where it's NOT okay with me if he will have nothing to do with my sister because she has interracial children.
To sum up our history in a nutshell it's like this: He was absent 95%  of the time. The 5% involved us being abused by whatever wife he had at the time, left neglected to be sexually abused by male babysitters,  abused by our older stepbrother (my older sister so bad, it destroyed her little heart) being shot at by an ex-husband of one of his wives, etc. etc. crap!
When I was a teen, I wanted what every kid on this earth wants. To be loved and accepted by their dad. I sought him out with my brother to go get that love. Yeah, he came and met us at a gas station and took us back to his camper trailer he was squattin in and that's where he introduced me to pot. And drinkin wasn't prohibited. And taught me to shoot a gun. You know, all the essential things a 13 year old little girl needs to know...... puttin it here on this screen just makes me feel hot, I don't know that this is doin any good....
Well, the next decade was spent in one manifestation after another of  "F You, Dad" or  "Dad look, I'm like a toughass boy, you can love me like my brothers". Cliche' yes, I know. But cliches  are truths in mass bundles.
My dad has popped in and out of my life since I became whole in God's healing. I've never once called him to account for the past. He's never apologized for a single thing. I just have taken whatever amount he was willing to give and appreciated whatever it was, no expectations. I played the role of affirmer, relationship builder, I put the effort forth to make him feel valued when he had never done it for me. I was the parent, he was the kid.
And now for him to blast me out for not talking to him, it just gets my goat! You know how there's just those types of people that won't "get it" even if you drew a picture of it and colored it in with crayons? There's no explainin this to him. Every deficiency he's had in our lives was "someone else's doing" and he never sees his part. I just kinda feel like an old basset hound layin on a dusty shack porch. What's the use of gettin up to hunt when I know these old bones won't get me to the prize?
 I know that pictures of a time that was good just don't mesh with my message. But that's been the dynamic between us all these years. The good and the bad just swirling around one another, me focusing on the good at the end of it all........

If by some act of complete mind boggling coincidence you ever read this dad, I love you.


  1. I'm so sorry that you've had to go through all of that - and my god, what a lot of THAT too. Sometimes, some people are just never going to be what we want or need them to be (or that honestly, they *should* be). Your Dad might not ever apologize -and who's to say if it's even wearing heavy on his heart to do so or not. I know even as an adult, it leaves a void just like when you were a kid - and that part sometimes sucks the most. There's a part of us that will always remain that kid no matter how old we get. If there is any redeeming value about what you've been put through is that you know how to treat your own kids because you know how you have always wanted to be treated but weren't. I hope that you find some peace somehow....

    1. thanks a gazillion, Miss Kitsch. I feel okay about it. I know it's not "right" and I know it's not God's design for us to parent that way. Shoot, me even talkin about my father in a public forum is mighty questionable. You're right about not treating our kids the way we were treated. Because I've released him from it all, I am not in bondage of repeating his mistakes. But even we forgive someone they can still get our goat, eh? ;) Thank you for such kind words, inter-friend :)

  2. man, i can relate to this so much. i haven't been through as much, but my parents relationship with me is all kinds of strained and they can't take any responsibility for their part in it and it just makes me so mad! You are right, not matter how you can forgive someone, it is hard when they don't seem to want or think they need that forgiveness. it sucks that you dad felt like he needed to last out at you, and over facebook? lame.

    1. A little ditty by Will Smith and Jazzy Jeff comes to mind....Parents just don't understand ;) Let's start a new TLC drama called Parental Acknowledgment Intervention....
      And yeah, he usually only uses Facebook to endlessly promote End Times and Tribulation awareness and The Sons of the Confederacy agenda, a group that claims to be just "proud of their southern heritage" but is really a bunch of racist bigots. Glad he private messaged me this time, he usually just calls me a hypocrite, holier than-thou or dishonoring daughter on my wall. Which can be a little embarrassing you might imagine.
      Can you tell I'm a little sensitive to the touch ;)

  3. I know sis, and I KNOW! I'm sorry but im so proud of you. I luv ya to the moon and back again sis. Our true Father is in heaven.

  4. Not cool... im crying bc i can totally relate. When you have an absent Father then he feels he has the right to tell you your wrong for not calling for not searching for him so on and on.. its like wait, wait a minute there... and then you stop in your tracks, you stop speakin, you stop thinking, you just stop, and then you cry your heart out... crushed again.
    Im sorry and I love you.