A safe place, tears and more tears

My absence on here as of late has been one of necessity, I suppose. And with life pannin out as it has I guess the natural response (or mine, anyhow) would be to retreat.

Maybe it's unwise, or unadvisable but I really feel the swelling of pressure to just type some gritty stuff out. And bein heard by a small handful of strangers, with little to no accountability sounds like therapy right up my alley......

Last weekend my nephew and two nieces landed in our home for an indeterminate amount of time. The circumstances were ugly, CPS was involved and the night they came was so hard on all of us. Every single one of us. There are no winners in these types of situations. Everyone loses.

I prayed for God to bring them out of harm and into a safe place for so long. As dumb as it sounds, I never once considered that it would be here.

Initially, I was overwhelmed with relief for them. It was like the minutes after labor when all the pain, and frustration is over and the baby is there and you know the "hard" part is over. But like childbirth, the medicating joy and relief wears off and the reality of caregiving sets in. Even when you're tired. Even when you feel like you have nothing left. Even when you're frustrated.

You must give care.

And I'll be so honest right now. I have endeavored to always make my home a safe haven. I have always tried to protect the atmosphere of my home and those who know me would tell you, God is welcome in this home. He is honored and peace is evident here.

These kids are hardened, rightfully so. They are jaded  by "religion" and it's hypocrisies, as they have seen their parents "try out Jesus" for a brief moment. They are critical and distrusting of a "Father" who loves them unconditionally. The word "father" has nothing but negative strings tied to it and their disdain for a God who let this world eat them up is sometimes palpable. As my nephew said "Where was God when I opened my mouth in that bathroom and asked for his help before I was jumped by five guys?".......... I have answers but they will not be heard by a heart that won't hear them.

And as my niece said "Nana, that's your God not mine".......... I know the place where this comes from. I lived there in that place, too. But I am still shattered at times as I hear it, not for personal rejection of my beliefs but for the inevitable road that they will travel on their journey away from Him. 

Last night as violence and hatred overtook the brother's (one of them lives with my mom) I became angry at their mother. Everything we sow into these kids comes out one day.  We cannot produce morality or wisdom from foolish living. It is impossible.

 I am angry that parents abandon their children, though there may be food and shelter present they are abandoned nonetheless. I am angry that when I tried to help any of my sibling's and their families I was called "self-righteous, judgmental" and the consequence was an exclusion from their lives to keep me from "interfering" again. I am angry with the stories I overhear them retell in laughter of the sick and wicked things they saw adults doing in their lives, in these periods where I was not around. They have no concept of what maturity and adulthood should be. I am angry that my sister says they are better off with me and possibly will not rise up and fight the mother's fight to regain her mind, her heart and her own children.

I am angry that every time I have tried to help the children in my family I have been told they were manipulating me and lying and they were told that I was trying to break up their family, so don't trust me.

I am angry because my siblings choose evil and refuse the grace and redemption of God because let's just be real, they like their wicked lifestyle. 

I am angry it came to this.

I love these kids with all my heart, they will always have a safe haven here.  I will feel the heaviness of heart and body that seems to be constant. I will retreat to my bathroom or backyard when the tears evade my eyelids despite my best defenses. I will find ways to teach my children that though they are being exposed to things I never would have imagined at such a tiny age (Pentagrams?!) these things are not God's way and not the truth we will live. I will not shun these kids because it is "hard". And I cannot fake this without Jesus so I will need Him more than ever (hear that Lord?) I will give my anger to God and confess that if not for His grace, I would be on the other end of this story with my own children. Anything good in me is all Him.

You may feel that this is all too much, maybe unfair that a blog about the simple, trivial things of life would sneak this on you. You may feel out of place commenting though it never hurts to know you were heard ;)

But this place really is therapeutic for me. And with all this pressure, I just needed a familiar outlet.